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Of course your husband should not blame you and he must take responsibility for how he has hurt you with his online behaviour, but the two of you must take responsibility for improving the marriage.
Though it may be painful, the fact that you have started talking about issues is a good sign.
Here you can be whoever you want to be – on the Internet everyone is beautiful. Remember that chat rooms, even if you are messaging one-on-one, are not private – people who have the know-how can access these conversations and also the details of the computer from where you are chatting. The Internet is anonymous, distant and cannot really fulfill your social needs on an ongoing basis.
Avoid doing the following things and you should be OK. Keep in mind that the possibility exists that the sexy blonde 16-year-old babe you’ve been chatting to for two weeks could in fact be a 56-year-old man. Many paedophiles use the chat rooms as hunting grounds. But then, the chat room is not really going to solve that. Calls are expensive – if you spend only an hour a day on the phone every day, this could increase your parents' phone bill substantially. One could probably get away with this for a short time, but eventually you are going to forget what you said to whom.
Real intimacy is created in everyday communication, in the nitty-gritty of sharing a life together and in the hard work of resolving conflicts and accepting the other person as different to you.
But never underestimate the level of danger lurking in chat rooms. And besides, isn’t it more fun talking about personal things to real people? Real contact with friends is a lot more meaningful in the long run than internet chats with faceless strangers, except if you are very shy and have no friends.
This should be time you have alone perhaps when the children are in bed and to make sure it is distraction free (with the computer and TV turned off).
In addition, try to have at least one special evening a week when you get a baby-sitter when you can do some new things together. The biggest prize of a successful marriage is closeness and intimacy – which allow a couple to accept and support one another on a deep level.
When I spoke to him again about it, he did apologise and said he won’t do it again but he then came out with a load of stuff about how unhappy he was in the marriage, that we never spend time together (which is true), but I don’t think it is fair for him to blame me.
There is a big difference between a person occasionally viewing pornography with the knowledge and even involvement of their partner to a full-blown betrayal and using adult websites to start affairs with other people.
Like many problems, it can start innocently at first, with a person visiting sexually titillating sites perhaps out of boredom or a seeking escapism but then it can escalate to other behaviours, such as directly communicating with other people online and over time can become addictive and harmful.
To move forward, it is important that you continue to talk to your husband and try to understand the extent of his difficulties and what the underlying issues are for him.
At the heart of the problem of online “infidelity” is the fact that it is usually done in secret and without the partner’s knowledge – even with infrequent access this secrecy can reduce the intimacy between the couple and can be a first step on the road to bigger betrayals.